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11:29am 24/11/2004
  a sieve, full of holes and nothing real can stay inside. riding in the wake of something you cant even remember anymore wish me luck he says and she she says good luck so he slams the door. this shit is for fucking showoffs and needy attention whores  
     
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01:13pm 23/09/2004
  t.he.y can't take that away from me  
     
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such a drag when everyone is so serious, so concerned   
10:52am 13/06/2004
 
mood: none, or other
its in my stomach, this burning, ma tells me not to freak out, its scary when you see blood, she says. she puts her hand over the reciever but i can hear, even through that leathery skin, "he's pissing blood," she hisses, while im holding my cock in one hand with the phone jammed between my chin and collarbone, repeating the same rhythme in my head...the one in which im dead. she tells me not to worry about it and rings off, and frankly i'm more bothered by these choices i have to make. choices but im so stuck i dont think ill ever get out. three ways of doing it, and i just want the most effective. i pick my way through the web but there's too much too much too much....what is information...and my creator didn't have a name until he grew bored on that third day and made me, im adam a sinner and the first, the only. the void, nothing. that thing, that one thing which left me longing and hopefully deflated..does it mean anything anymore? that thing that one thing, which was broken and glued and was white ...i swear it was so white and ive tried to bleach it now, but i left it in too long and its yellow, some parts are beginning to disintegrate. but then there was the concert, their vibratos humming in my chest as i miscarried in the bathroom. i contemplated my child, this first of something, a nothing ruined beginning a wad of snot cocconed in blood. in the stalls next to me other girls try to choose, bassist or cellist? they want to start a band, they need two grand. my ruined mind ticks by and spreads its runny death into your hand as we shake on it......You say hello i say goodbye. i dont know how to say hello.
 
     
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12:37pm 15/03/2004
  there's a memory that a pink azalea is, for him its optical blues and whites. you put your foot down when i hid beneath your shoe. what began the fire, what started the spark, what moved the air? i felt so pretty, but my little fingernails were caked with dirt by sundown.

now i sit quietly, my nose tingles and my eyes burn while i secretly hope he just passes by my door, ignores the invitation.

another you struggled to breathe through a throat full of water, the sound of mardi gras beads flapping against a closed door. i would do anything to hear that sound of you again....of silver touching silver...the sound you gave to me for my last birthday, custom-made for a tiny fist.
 
     
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i wanted black boots for xmas.   
10:08am 05/01/2004
 
mood: loved
it's just that my skin is so dry. cuts on my fingers bleed before i know they are there. i should go to work before the sun cuts through the gray clouds.
 
     
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found it in the trash   
05:29pm 08/12/2003
  in hereCollapse )  
     
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09:47am 04/12/2003
  my only reality is crashing against me, the stink of the ubermensch's breath as we speak, accusing me of being the last. i'm living down, trying to look up  
     
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by storm   
04:34pm 20/11/2003
  the eyes had it  
     
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unfortunately i have to wake up   
09:23pm 16/11/2003
 
mood: kinda down but cool
roughing it, a wine glass with no stem in the park
hate sad hate sad hate sad hate sad
its something its nothing i cant do it its nothing
its all on my shoulders its nothing its nothing its something
call security get me the f-u-c-k- out i cant stop humming ill never feel what they're talking about on this
this something this nothing
 
     
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school   
04:20am 21/10/2003
 
mood: relaxed
on startMovie
beep
beep
end startMovie//
on mouseUp
puppetSound whichChannel, whichMember
end

you could have the name of the song, a picture or a thousand words........
 
     
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one time i manifested the Need   
01:30pm 07/10/2003
  he got sick before the night grew old. the sky just shouted. in the confusion the tinest sign waited, faded, returned. nobody is close enough to see. i stoop down to examine this dead fly, a piece of silver that caught my eye. i think i am the only one who sees.
i walk away, and turn back to see another body bend close to the spot i just left.
 
     
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call me i need to get rid of some shit   
10:37am 01/10/2003
 
mood: should be rushed, but not
waiting on the edge, same as before, same as before, the same wistful scope in a different plane. time [light and dark] rushes beneath my fleeing body. i come down hard, my feet pulsing against solid packed earth. in and out.......a mantra of all things and no thing is in my head. i sprint near the end.

radiohead this weekend. cannot fucking wait.
 
     
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Wednesday   
06:55pm 08/09/2003
 
mood: 2 curious
Plastic_Serge
this wednesday night @ Paradigm Bar downtown next to Gordos.
9 p - 2 A
IDM, glitch, experimental
live PAs
and scratch dj Dirty Digits
FREE FREE FREE FREE FREE

everybody come to cure us
 
     
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migrating   
12:28pm 15/08/2003
  "are you more or less likely to make a left hand turn onto a one way road if there is a steep hill?" the interrogation droned on and on. she wished she hadn't felt it her civil duty to answer telemarketer's requests. her own voice became static inside the ear, a small rattle indiscernable from the man's drilling. she hung up, shaking the curve of her throat out with a rough cough. The buzzing inside her head continued, later as she watched the flapping black slits in the sky, geese flying in a v, heading south.  
     
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ricky ticky timba   
12:35pm 11/08/2003
  how much longer will i last. diseased fascination pulls the graying edge of a shadowy decline. i tear a post-it note in half and stick one jaundiced square next to the blank line. There isnt much time.  
     
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03:00pm 07/08/2003
 
mood: readyandwilling
fuck the service industry. they make it seem like they are fucking doing me fucking favors for shit i am paying out the fucking wazzoool for. additionally, i owe the man so much money. you know I have to pay fucking 40 bucks to be on probation? like they're doing me another favor by keeping tabs on me.
"ah Thank ya sah ah, ah jus dont know what i would do without you watching over me, mistah dawson, sah."
then i tap dance down the courthouse rotunda all vaudy with black face. nobody in the system knows their ass from their elbow.

i am without internet until the 19th.....sobsobsobsobsobsobsob

i had to go to a Victim's Awareness Program last night, where (excuse my heartlessness) but someone woman comes in and tells the sob story of her kid who was killed by a drunk driver, so that all of us sittin there who use drugs or drink and then drive will feel all ashamed. i admit, i had tears in my eyes when the woman read a letter that she wrote to her dead daughter. but then she talks about her other kids, and i notice that i fucking sold drugs to her son the night before. !!!!!!!!! he drove away on them too.

goddamn dude, i missed.
 
     
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04:20am 31/07/2003
 
mood: bewildered
time for a fun adventure!!
 
     
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12:35pm 22/07/2003
  years ago oprah featured a woman who was being stalked. she got letters in the mail saying "you're a fucking slut" and "die, whore." flaming bags of shit were deposited on her doorstep nightly. amidst a flurry of metal and movement she was attacked in a parking lot and thrown in a shopping cart and stabbed several times. the police didnt have any suspects.
then, they compared the handwriting of the threatening letters to the handwriting of the woman.
the results are alarming.
turns out the woman was stalking herself, unbeknowst to herself.

this story comes to mind everytime i see something in my house that is out of its usual place and im like.....how did that get there? then i pray that i dont sit in the basement at night writing threatening letters to myself without knowing.

heminey is rumaging in my $paper stacks. unacceptable.
 
     
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ive got a surly kitten   
12:46am 21/07/2003
  introducing Heminey
mmrowCollapse )
 
     
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happy birfday to meeeeeeeee   
09:01pm 16/07/2003
  me on my dayCollapse )  
     
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